Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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