i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
