pop tarts are not kleenex
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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