we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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