You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Farmville is her only friend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
