Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
