3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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