Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
