Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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