he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
