I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
