Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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