is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
