I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
