Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
