"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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