I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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