Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
