Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
