your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize