were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
