Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
