i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
