After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
