i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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