Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
