At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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