Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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