the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
