I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm passing your future prison.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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