Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
