we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize