tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
