I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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