Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
