I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
