I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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