I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize