Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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