yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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