WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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