My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
