her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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