i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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