Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
