There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
