I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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