I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
