They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
