I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
