ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
