My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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