you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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