I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
