mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
