u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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