Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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