Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
