were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I am midnight drunk by noon
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
