Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
