We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
