You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
